How I became an atheist: Part 2 - Atheist boy!

My parents and I moved to Southern Illinois in the summer before my 8th grade year. So.Il. is where my dad's side of the family lives (including my preacher uncle). So.Il. is also part of the Bible belt. I was excited to move there. I had grown up in big cities and couldn't wait to live in a small rural town surrounded by nature and kind people.

I was a very shy kid. Especially when I came to Illinois because I didn't know anyone. Luckily several of my classmates initiated contact and became acquaintances and friends during my first year. I also adopted a few nicknames. One girl called me "Pretty Ears." I guess she thought I had pretty ears. Another girl called me "Atheist Boy." In our 8th grade science class, the big bang was being introduced. She asked me if I believed in the big bang. When I said yes, she started calling me Atheist Boy. It was in jest, for the most part... But it did bother me slightly to be called an atheist. Although I couldn't put my finger on why. Maybe it was just the way she said it.

It wasn't until high school that I started to really think about the existence of God and discover what my beliefs were. Freshmen and Sophomore year I believed in fairies and goblins and all sorts of other supernatural things. Ghosts, bigfoot, demons, you name it. I told a friend that I believe in the Greek gods as well. "So, do you pray to them? Do you sit by your bed at night and say, 'Dear Zeus...'?" Around Junior year was when I started to wear a crucifix on a chain around my neck. At that point I believed in God, but I didn't belong to any church or attach to any particular denomination. It was the kind of God that you only turn to when you need something or you're feeling guilty.

I would pray. I would talk to God. I would ask for guidance or wisdom. But to be honest, I never really felt at one with God. It never really clicked for me. It felt like I was pretending, fooling myself. Like something that I was supposed to be, but it went against my true nature. Kinda like when I tried to be straight for about a week.

How I became an atheist: Part 1 - Circus peanuts

God was never mentioned while I was growing up. Except maybe a few times in conjunction with the word "dammit." But never once did my parents tell me what they believed, if anything, or even that there were other beliefs out there in regard to a higher power. Religion and spirituality were just not discussed. It wasn't necessarily taboo in our household. I think my parents really were agnostic, or just didn't give it much thought. Other members of my family are religious. My uncle is a preacher. But I wasn't around them enough to be influenced by them.

I was raised pretty much an only child. I have two half-brothers and a half-sister, all older. My brothers lived with us when I was very young, but they moved out before I could form too many solid memories of them. One sticks out--my brother telling me to "Go to hell." I remember being bothered or hurt by the comment. Hurt by the attack itself, not because I feared hell. I don't think I knew what hell was.

For a short time, while we lived in Vegas, I went to Sunday school. I somehow heard that one of our neighbors was hosting a small gathering in her home and decided that I wanted to check it out. Maybe a friend told me about it. The only thing I recall is the circus peanuts. The lady would hand out circus peanuts to the kids who could recite that week's scripture by memory. She would hand them out on little strips of paper every Sunday. I couldn't recite a single scripture for you now. And I'm not sure I even really knew what Sunday school was all about. I think it was just something to do. And I got candy.