How I became an atheist: Part 3 - Angelic choir

After high school I enrolled at Southern Illinois University. My favorite class was concert choir, mainly because I didn't have any homework. I spent 2 1/2 years in the SIU choir. It didn't dawn on me until just now as I'm writing this that our choir director, Dr. Mochnick, was always talking about our music being either sacred or secular. And he always made sure that our repertoire was mainly sacred music. We were only ever allowed 2 or 3 secular songs per semester. I didn't think much of it then, but now I'm curious as to why. Was it because Dr. Mochnick was a religious guy? Was it a school requirement? Did he feel there was more educational value to sacred choral music?

The words God and Jesus and Heaven and whatnot never really rolled off my tongue. I remember not really being able to connect to the music we were singing and it giving me a weird feeling inside sometimes.

Our choir spent a lot of time in churches. Every semester we would go on tour, covering practically the entire state of Illinois. We would sing at a church in the morning, a school in the afternoon, and a church at night. The church patrons would volunteer to house us for the night. We probably sang at a church from every Christian denomination over the course of 2 1/2 years. Our songs were often woven into the church service, so I had to sit through many different kinds of sermons and services.

Never once have I felt comfortable in church. Even later in life when I attended a few non-denominational and gay-oriented services, I still felt a disconnect and a sense that I didn't really belong. Back in college, I would sit there in the choir stall and watch the people in the pews as they listened to the pastor preach. I never bought it, the devotion. It never seemed sincere. More often than not, the people would be completely disinterested. They were there simply because they know they're supposed to be there. But even the ones who were devout, it always seemed put on, or forced. They wanted, and needed, to believe.

The one time I actually sorta enjoyed myself was when my friend Paul and I went to a Jewish synagogue as part of a class project. They were doing a special service about the holocaust. No one bombarded us with questions about why we were there and what we believed. One lady who was next to us kindly helped us navigate the Hewbrew scriptures that were being read aloud (it's written from right to left). It's the one time I felt like the people there were sincere in their beliefs and what they were doing.

How I became an atheist: Part 2 - Atheist boy!

My parents and I moved to Southern Illinois in the summer before my 8th grade year. So.Il. is where my dad's side of the family lives (including my preacher uncle). So.Il. is also part of the Bible belt. I was excited to move there. I had grown up in big cities and couldn't wait to live in a small rural town surrounded by nature and kind people.

I was a very shy kid. Especially when I came to Illinois because I didn't know anyone. Luckily several of my classmates initiated contact and became acquaintances and friends during my first year. I also adopted a few nicknames. One girl called me "Pretty Ears." I guess she thought I had pretty ears. Another girl called me "Atheist Boy." In our 8th grade science class, the big bang was being introduced. She asked me if I believed in the big bang. When I said yes, she started calling me Atheist Boy. It was in jest, for the most part... But it did bother me slightly to be called an atheist. Although I couldn't put my finger on why. Maybe it was just the way she said it.

It wasn't until high school that I started to really think about the existence of God and discover what my beliefs were. Freshmen and Sophomore year I believed in fairies and goblins and all sorts of other supernatural things. Ghosts, bigfoot, demons, you name it. I told a friend that I believe in the Greek gods as well. "So, do you pray to them? Do you sit by your bed at night and say, 'Dear Zeus...'?" Around Junior year was when I started to wear a crucifix on a chain around my neck. At that point I believed in God, but I didn't belong to any church or attach to any particular denomination. It was the kind of God that you only turn to when you need something or you're feeling guilty.

I would pray. I would talk to God. I would ask for guidance or wisdom. But to be honest, I never really felt at one with God. It never really clicked for me. It felt like I was pretending, fooling myself. Like something that I was supposed to be, but it went against my true nature. Kinda like when I tried to be straight for about a week.

How I became an atheist: Part 1 - Circus peanuts

God was never mentioned while I was growing up. Except maybe a few times in conjunction with the word "dammit." But never once did my parents tell me what they believed, if anything, or even that there were other beliefs out there in regard to a higher power. Religion and spirituality were just not discussed. It wasn't necessarily taboo in our household. I think my parents really were agnostic, or just didn't give it much thought. Other members of my family are religious. My uncle is a preacher. But I wasn't around them enough to be influenced by them.

I was raised pretty much an only child. I have two half-brothers and a half-sister, all older. My brothers lived with us when I was very young, but they moved out before I could form too many solid memories of them. One sticks out--my brother telling me to "Go to hell." I remember being bothered or hurt by the comment. Hurt by the attack itself, not because I feared hell. I don't think I knew what hell was.

For a short time, while we lived in Vegas, I went to Sunday school. I somehow heard that one of our neighbors was hosting a small gathering in her home and decided that I wanted to check it out. Maybe a friend told me about it. The only thing I recall is the circus peanuts. The lady would hand out circus peanuts to the kids who could recite that week's scripture by memory. She would hand them out on little strips of paper every Sunday. I couldn't recite a single scripture for you now. And I'm not sure I even really knew what Sunday school was all about. I think it was just something to do. And I got candy.